Another Valentine's Day and you are alone, or who you are with doesn't make your heels kick up. Your hands grow into fists as you watch others, smiling, walk hand in hand. What do they have that you don't? You are not bad looking, have a full set of teeth, and can demonstrate decent table manners.
Why is Love, real Love, not happening for you?
Your journey has been my journey.
I would squint my eyes at these people who pass in their love bliss. They can be obnoxious and even unattractive, yet they seem to have a lot of love in their life. The thought occurs to me periodically that this or that person does not deserve what they have. I know, sometimes my consciousness is not pretty. I have concluded the difference between them and the attractive, balanced and interesting people reading this article. It is how much they love themselves, or another way of saying it is, how little they hate themselves.
So how do you you love yourself more and hate yourself less
Loving yourself is a skill. It is NOT the result of admirable qualities. In fact, you can have very few things that are likable about you, yet love yourself more than someone who, let's say, has dedicated their life to serve others.
Many have confused being ethical with self value. In large, ethics do not give rise to self worth. There are many of us who are highly ethical assisting others with empathy and compassion while giving ourselves very little compassion. We have a sense of duty to others and when we hurt others, it hurts us. But we can lack empathy when it comes to ourselves. We seem to be less able to let go of the wrong we did to another.
I have a friend whose sole mission is to make money. As you have probably already guessed, he is pretty shallow. But what this guy has is the ability to forgive himself and treat himself with compassion. When he hurts another person, he apologizes, but does not feel generally bad about the pain he has triggered. It registers he has hurt another, but he is able to see himself as imperfect and accept that about himself.
On the other hand, years ago if I caused someone suffering I would feel such guilt and shame that I would soon have my face in a pint of ice cream. Yes, I am more compassionate and empathetic towards others, but was less than compassionate towards myself.
What is Self Love
Self love is the ability to see yourself as lovable, regardless of what is happening to you. You are able to find within yourself compassion for yourself regardless of circumstances or situations. Your love for yourself is not conditional on who is on your arm, where you live or how much money you make. Your self love anchors you to a sense of ground and certainty that you are OK!
Why don't I love myself
Many of us grew up believing that self love is selfish. As if self love is narcissistic. And a warped sense of self love can grow into narcissism, but for any one reading this article, that is highly unlikely.
Many cultures hold self hate as a way of occurring more accessible and safe. As if, when we make fun of ourselves we are saying, "Look at me I can make fun of myself, don't make fun of me, since I have already done it."
And self love is dangerous. With self love you're armed to be more resilient, take chances, bet on yourself. All of which can seem very dangerous from the vantage point of someone without a plethora of self love.
Learn to hate yourself less
You are hurting yourself. What is your form of self destruction? What do you do with your feelings of unworthiness, hopelessness and rage? Do you reach for ice cream, beer, sex, etc? For instance, you might eat a cheesecake to eliminate your self hatred after getting blown off by a date. Then you hate yourself for eating too much and further hate yourself for feeling and looking heavier.
The self hate cycle is just that- a cycle. When triggered into self hate, you have a self destructive strategy to quell the pain. And you have a relationship to the self destructive strategy which produces more self hate.
Loving myself sounds like a lot of work
If you have a deficit of self love, then you are going to have to be your own best friend. You're going to need to cheer yourself on when facing a challenge and comfort yourself when your efforts are thwarted.
Consider that the folks who have a decent amount of self love were raised by parents or a parent or had a coach or someone who believed in them. That person's validation served as a template that they have incorporated as the voice of the self. If you did not have this, as I didn't, you are going to need to do it for yourself. And yes, that is going to be a full time job. But it does not need to be a hard job.
Self love is initially formed by parents transmitting energetic codes to their children letting them know they are of value for no reason other than they exist. These transmissions go into the child's body impacting their cell structure on how their brain is configured. The sense of full acceptance the child translates as they are welcomed and worthy of existing. Without this experience, these children grow up to be people who question their place and their value. They lack self love.
Thursday, February 13th, 7-8:30pm: Colby Wilk, Psychic Embodiment Healer (www.colbywilk.com) will be teaching Love Yourself into Love (Click Here To Register with East West Bookshop, $15.00) a highly interactive workshop designed to help you access the love inside of you. Learn to direct your psychic anatomy into a super state of well being by locating and growing self compassion. Reconfigure your energetic matrix to be more loving towards yourself, regardless of what did not happen for you. Gain greater compassion for yourself as you feel the support and unconditional love of your Master Guides. Learn 5 energetic practices you can do anytime and anywhere to reinforce your sense of well being, regardless of who you are in front of: your boss, X lover or mother-in-law.
Saturday, February 15th, 3-6pm: (Click Here To Register with East West Bookshop, $40.00). Transform procrastination into consistent, goal oriented action by discovering self discipline that is connecting and fed by your divinity. Do you know what you "should" be doing, but can't get yourself to take consistent action? Maybe you want to eat better, exercise daily, do consistent spiritual practice or finally sit down and write that book? You judge your lack of focus, the cost of procrastinating never feeling satisfied with the actions you do take. In this highly interactive workshop with former lazy person and Psychic Embodiment Healer, Colby Wilk compassionately explore your inner landscape. Meet and transform your inner saboteur. Discover self discipline that is fed by the Divine. Know yourself as someone who fabulously follows through on what you promise yourself. Learn 6 energetic practices to bring yourself into goal oriented action even when you are not in the mood.